


Regretful

by Liaessa



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: And regrets, Angst, Archivist!Kieran, Kieran alone with his thoughts, Kieran do your laundry, Kieran x Regrets, Kieran's POV, Kym is a babe, a lot of guilt, a shot of depresso, after episode 43, bad title, but not too much Angst, ep 43 trauma, facing your mistakes, he hates himself, reflecting on mistakes, self deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27233296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liaessa/pseuds/Liaessa
Summary: He knew that he to explain the reason for his presence in her workplace, that he was sent to kill Lune. To killher.Was that a mockery from the Gods? To force him to finish off what he couldn’t do the day before?And as much as he wished he could delay their inevitable encounter, he had no say in the matter.Warning: Episode 43 is heavily referenced
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair & Kieran White, Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White
Comments: 6
Kudos: 53





	Regretful

Lauren was drenched from the rain. Water dripped from her hair, skin and uniform. The cave was cold, the coldest it’s ever been. She shivered. 

She must have been shivering from the cold. 

But she was not.

She was trembling in fear. 

His grip tightened around her neck. Despite the plea and terror in her eyes, he did not let go. There was a hint of something else in her eyes, betrayal. Those damned eyes would not stop haunting him. They were ardent like the sun and he was going to put out that fire. The grip further tightened. She resisted with both her hands, pushing back. But it wasn’t enough to overpower the Purple Hyacinth. 

_**“Like you said, I am a monster!”** _

She gasped for air, clinging to life.  _ Fear _ . She was afraid. It was an emotion he is well too familiar with; for he has seen it on many of his victims. That wasn’t his first time taking a life. Or his second or third. It got easier as the corpses piled up, and he hated that it did.

He felt nothing at that moment. There was nothing to feel but numbness. 

Suddenly, the resistance ceased. The shaky hands that once gripped his own brushed his wrist, falling limp to her sides. The terror in her eyes was replaced by something else. The ardent golden eyes were replaced with dull orbs of glass. And he saw his reflection in the glass, the last thing she saw; the face of  _ her murderer _ .

The cave was almost engulfed in silence. Nothing was heard aside from a loud gasp that escaped him. He let go of her way too late. Her unsupported body collapsed to the ground. He kneeled in front of her, horrified, afraid to touch her. Blood covered her neck, where his hands were, and it covered his hands too. 

_ Lauren is dead. _ He killed her. 

There were no orders, no absolute necessity. Yet, he killed her. 

  
  
  
  


And then he woke up in a daze. Sweat formed around his face and neck. Blinking a few times, he scanned his surroundings, locating himself in his bedroom. The faint sunlight suggested that it was early morning hours. Pushing the blanket away, he sat up on the side of the bed. He inhaled sharply, taking in as much as he could. He exhaled, then inhaled again, gasping as if all the air in the world is not enough to keep him alive. 

  
  


Another innocent life died by his hands. The only mistake this one made was trusting him and expecting him to be human. The one person he wanted to keep alive.

_She’s dea-._

  


He eyed the floor, tracing the scratches that blemished the wood. It was a ritual he followed after every nightmare. Sometimes it helped calm him down. He had to occupy his mind with something else, as he tried to slowly regain himself, to discern reality from nightmare. And God knows there are days where it's hard to tell the two apart. 

  


_ She’s not dead. _

He shut his eyes for a moment. 

"You're nothing but a monster."

  


She wasn't wrong. That was the truth that he knew quite well. The one thing he wished was a lie. Still, it didn't make it hurt any less, coming from her of all people. And he almost killed her for it.

Events of the previous day replayed in his head. His eyes were fixed on her as she walked out of the cave. He could not stop looking as he realized what he had just done. At that moment, he was certain that he will never see her again. And why would he? She would be a fool if she ever returned. And maybe it was for the better that they part ways. 

_If only he could._

_ She’s still alive.  _ And he did not know what he would have done with himself had he killed her. 

_ Really, what did she expect? She knew! _ She knew who he was and yet she gave him this chance. But he could not bring himself to blame her for what happned, there was no excuse he could give himself for what he did. 

Things were bound to end like that.

He didn't know which one of them was more foolish. Her, for expecting anything of him, or him for thinking he could keep this up without ruining everything.

Because that’s what he does. He destroys. He only takes. Lives, futures, memories, loved ones, he'll take it all. No one survives an encounter with Purple Hyacinth, and that reputation was well-earned. 

He stared at his right hand for a long moment. A hand that took many lives. The same hand that nearly took Lauren’s too. Yet, he still dared use that hand to draw, to capture the humanity in others so desperately. He drew others, they were the human ones. His humanity ran out long ago. He just could not let go. 

His other hand still bore the scar from their deal. “No withholding information,” a condition he proposed, and the very same condition he broke. 

Even though he did not kill her, those vacant eyes from the nightmare were going to haunt him forever. The blood that tainted her neck would not be something he could ever forget.

He leaned forward, head in hands and stared at nothing in particular. Nothing but silence echoed in the empty apartment. 

Until the alarm went off. 

6:00 a.m. 

He sighed, then swiftly made his way to the bathroom. A particular white shirt caught his eyes from his laundry basket. It was hard to believe that two days ago, she was there. 

As much as he wished not to, he could not help but recollect the traces of her short stay at his apartment. 

It was hard for him to believe that he brought anyone into his space, much less let them wear his clothes and sleep in his bedroom. It was not something he was used to nor was comfortable with. That was the  _ first  _ time. 

_ First and last , probably.  _

After undressing to take a shower, he turned the valve. Water started flowing but did not go in right away. He stared at the running water for a moment as the bathroom filled with steam. He knew the water was too hot, but he put his hand underneath it anyway. Only his body reflexes had a different opinion, recoiling his hand from the heat. 

It did not take long for him to get ready, but he dreaded every second of it. 

He did not bear to look at himself in the mirror, but he needed to tolerate it. Dishevelled dark locks sporadically draped over his eyes, he brushed them back, collecting every strand and tightly put them into a white ribbon. Finally, he put on a pair of round glasses. 

That day was his first day as an archivist at the Eleventh Precinct Police Department.  _ Lauren’s workplace.  _ Not only was he going to see her, but he needed to explain his presence. People like him do not suddenly change their careers. The real reason he was sent there was to kill Lune. To kill her. 

Was that a mockery from the Gods? To make him to finish off what he couldn’t do the day before? 

_ She will not be happy about this.  _ She might shoot him on sight, or declare to everyone that she recognizes him as the Purple Hyacinth. He did not know which was worse, but one thing he knew for sure, he deserved both. 

Knowing that he’s there, working alongside her friends and coworkers and that’s he was tasked with killing Lune would bring her no comfort. He knew she would be angry, but he was going to explain why he was there. There was a lot to explain, a lot to apologize for. He did needed to make it clear that he will not do her any harm, that killing her was not an option. All of that needed to be said, but he dreaded seeing her so soon after what he did. 

It was cowardly of him and he knew that. 

But he had no say in the matter. 

He was a little lightheaded, not having eaten anything since he spoke to Lauren the day before. Despite his lack of apetite, he forced himself to eat a few apple slices. He paced back and forth in his apartment a few times, looking for an excuse not to leave. But nothing could be done to delay the inevitable. 

*****

The precinct was lively at that time of the day. He wandered the halls for a moment, unsure where to go. Moments later, he caught the eyes of a passing officer. The dark-haired woman wore the same uniform as the one Lauren would wear. 

“Do you need help? You look lost,” she said in a cheery tone, a smile came to her naturally. It took a moment for him to rebuild his front, his composure. That was not the time nor the place for him to show his inner agony. He needed to put on a front if he is going to keep up the archivist act. 

The officer appeared familiar to him, and it took him a moment to remember where he saw her. It was her who saved Lauren from her "bad date" at the cafe he first saw her. Kieran remembered this woman hitting the glass exterior of the cafe, pretending to be blind and needing help. A tiny hint of a smile formed in the corner of his mouth. Lauren was lucky to have people willing to go to such lengths for her. 

The officer, who introduced herself as Sargent Kym Ladell started to show him around the precinct. With every turn they took, he felt dread over the fact that he could run into  _ Lauren  _ at any given second. He tried his best to remain courteous and not show his absentmindedness, but it was so obvious and Kym took note of it. He hoped that he could at least remember a thing or two from that short tour. Had Kym had not offered her help, would he have kept wandering those halls aimlessly?

“And finally, this is the patrol unit’s office. Let me introduce you to everyone.” He felt that knot in his stomach return. As Kym stepped in, he took a step back, but ultimately, he followed. 

_ Was that the moment everything falls apart?  _

_ Not yet.  _

He scanned the room rapidly before Kym could turn around. A skill he mastered as the Purple Hyacinth to scan his surroundings for any sign of danger. 

It wasn’t danger he was looking for, he was scanning the room for the any sign of Lauren Sinclair. Because Lauren was no danger.  _ He was the only danger here. The criminal, the monst-.  _

_ Not now.  _

He was introduced to everyone in the room. Hawkes, Randall, a few others, and finally Lila, the secretary. But there were no signs of Lauren Sinclair. 

“There is another one of us missing! Her name is Lauren.” Ladell exclaimed. Kieran hated that she used the word ‘missing’.  _ Shouldn’t police officers take caution using words that can be misinterpreted?  _

“She should be here any minute.” Kym continued. And he was well aware of that. 

It was 8:40 a.m. The other archivist was late that day due to some family emergency.

“Where is Lauren? She’s so late.” Hearing Lauren’s name heightened Kieran’s nausea. He could not help but look in Kym’s direction. She was talking to another patrol officer, Lieutenant William Hawkes, who eyed the paperwork on his desk.

“Yes, it’s not like her to be late,” he replied without looking away from his paperword. 

Half an hour passed. Kieran regretted coming earlier than he had to. The wait was agonizing. He fidgeted with the small case in his pocket, eyeing the door every time he sensed someone passing by or coming in. 

“Lila? Have you received a call from Lauren? We need to go on patrol soon.” Kym stood beside Lila's desk. No mention of Lauren’s went undetected for Kieran. 

“No, she hasn’t called.” 

“Well, she did say she wasn’t feeling well yesterday.” His chest tightened. So she was already in pain when she came to see him yesterday. 

“I hope she’s okay.” Kym sighed, then returned to her desk. But Kieran knew Lauren was not. 

Another thought crossed his mind. Has that nightmare ended? He wondered if he did kill her and this was his mind playing tricks on him. Was the guilt too much that he was denying another crime he committed? Did she really leave the cave? 

Maybe she was not coming to work that day, or ever.

The next few minutes that passed were laden with guilt, ballooning by the minute. 

“Oh, and there she is,” Kym sang, “the last member of our squad.” He saw the familiar auburn from the corner of his eyes. He tensed, the knots in stomach were returning.

“Officer Lauren Sinclair” Kym finished. 

Kieran might not have shown it, but he was so relieved to see Lauren coming in.

But Lauren was anything but relieved to see him. 

And it was too late to turn away now. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> After this, I'm thinking I should stick to writing fluff.. Fluff comes much more naturally to me XD


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